Friendsgiving Critique
It’s my turn on the Friendsgiving Feedback rotation! Because it’s Friday, and I’m feeling generous, I’ve chosen two queries, both of which grabbed me with their emphasis on female characters and STEM.
First up is NILE, an #ownvoices entry. Here is the query in its original form, a brand new baby in the FF inbox, so full of promise:
Dear [AGENT]
I would be thrilled if you would consider my YA Fantasy, NILE. It features a strong-willed female MC (Spanish-American) whose interest in STEM fields leads her to re-discover herself and live a series of unforeseen events. Complete at 99,000 words, NILE blends science with a tinge of magic and History:
With her father still mourning the death of her long-gone mother, Nile has spent her life in the exile of her loneliness. When she travels to Egypt to study Physics, a mishap with white holes and motorboats renders her half-dead. Stranded in a multiverse, she’s thrust into the arms of Arem, a young Pharaoh in a far-away world. He takes her back to his kingdom and agrees to help her find her way home –but Nile is not eager to accept the assistance of an overconfident emperor; she can fend for herself!
And yet, the more she learns about Arem’s culture, the more she wants to stay. Arem’s realm is beautiful and welcoming, and for the first time in her life, she finds a home.
Suspicious of Nile and Arem’s bond, Arem’s betrothed enlists the help of Raeki, a feared universe jumper, to get rid of Nile. Raeki is charming, Machiavellian, and his motivations are questionable. But when Raeki discovers Nile is also a universe jumper, he sees her for what she really is: an equal. He offers Nile a chance to join him in his intentions to take over Arem’s realm, and if there’s something Nile loves more than anything, that’s power, a chance to leave an unprecedented mark in History.
In this game of queens and kings, Nile must choose between protecting the people she loves, or saving herself, no matter who she destroys in the process.
NILE stands alone but has series potential. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed Sabaa Tahir’s AN EMBER IN THE ASHES, the voice in Sarah J. Mass’ THRONE OF GLASS, or characters in the vein of Arya -A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE.
[BIO]
Thank you for your time and consideration!!
In all honesty, this is a pretty fantastic query. It could probably go out almost ‘as-is’, but as a graduate of the old ‘say more with less’ school of querying, I’ve tightened it up just a bit:
Title: NILE
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 99,000
Dear [AGENT],
With her father still mourning the death of her long-gone mother, Nile has spent her life in the exile of her loneliness. When she travels to Egypt to study Physics, a mishap with white holes and motorboats renders her half-dead. Stranded in a multiverse, she’s forced to rely on the kindness of Arem*, a young Pharaoh in a far-away world. Arem takes her back to his kingdom and agrees to help her find her way home –but Nile is not eager to accept the assistance of an overconfident emperor; she can fend for herself!
But the more Nile learns about Arem’s culture, the more she wants to stay. Arem’s realm is beautiful and welcoming, and for the first time in her life, Nile finds family**.
Suspicious of Nile and Arem’s growing bond, Arem’s betrothed enlists the help of Raeki, a feared universe jumper, to get rid of Nile. Raeki is charming but his motivations are questionable. When Raeki discovers Nile is also a universe jumper, he sees her for an equal and offers her a chance to join him in his bid to take over Arem’s realm.***
In the resultant game of queens and kings, Nile must choose between protecting the people she loves, or saving herself, no matter whom she destroys in the process.
I would be thrilled if you would consider my YA Fantasy, NILE. It features a strong-willed, Spanish-American main character whose interest in STEM fields leads her to re-discover herself and live a series of unforeseen events. NILE blends science with a tinge of magic and history, and will appeal to readers who enjoyed Sabaa Tahir’s AN EMBER IN THE ASHES, the voice in Sarah J. Mass’ THRONE OF GLASS, or characters in the vein of Arya -A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE.
Thank you for your time and consideration,****
Other than tightening, I switched up a few important things:
* ‘thrust into the arms of Arem’. I see what you’re getting at here, but I envision Nile dropping into the alternate universe and stumbling out of nowhere into Arem’s arms. Maybe with an invisible hand on the back, thrusting her forward plot-wise. I think you address their relationship better and more subtly later on in the query through Arem’s betrothed.
** If Nile’s decision is between protecting the people she loves or saving herself, I think this needs to be reinforced early on. She was lonely before she fell through the white hole, but now she’s found a place she belongs.
*** This feels a bit out of left field. Up until this point we know Nile’s been lonely and neglected, she’s smart and independent, and she can jump multiverses. Is it also important we know she’s power hungry? And if so, is her choice truly between saving herself or protecting the people she loves, or between a power grab and protecting the people she loves? I went with option A. You can go with option B if that’s more in character, but I think you need to choose one singular motivation and not muddy the waters too much.
**** NO double exclamation marks!!!! …seriously, though, you want your query to look as professional as possible, no matter how excited you are about your fantastic story. A comma will do very nicely.
All in all a great query and an excellent story premise. Extra points for physics, white holes and pharaohs.
Query #2 is PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT. This is how PIXIE’s query came into our inbox.
Pixie has one skill that can make her any real money. Programming AIs, and doing it better than anyone else around. Nobody else can make them have a sense of humor. Nobody else can make them think creatively. Nobody else can make them feel emotions. And yet, Pixie can’t get any respect piloting her Frame, her homemade, ten-foot-tall robot fighter known as “The Knight”. Whether it’s because she’s only about 20 years old, because she’s only about 5’1”, or because she’s a woman, she’s not sure. Trying to win respect and credibility without the backing of a gang or a Corporation is the hardest way to go, but signing up with anyone would mean someone else holds her leash. That is definitely not Pixie’s style. Instead, she intends to make everyone pay attention.
Pixie has managed to claw her way up the unofficial rankings of Frame pilots in the grimy, Domed-off world of the Megasprawl. She’s got a fight against the guy seen as brightest up-and-coming star. If she wins, she makes money, but more importantly, will instantly be a name. But her opponent, Osgood, happens to be on the shortlist to provide his AI programming skills for a pet project for the CEO of the biggest and most powerful Corporation in the ‘Sprawl, Solomon Benedict of Atmos.
In a bid to achieve the previously unachieved goal of uploading his mind into a computer permanently, Solomon needs the best AI programmer going, and when she beats Osgood, she’s positioned herself as the prime candidate to succeed in this impossible task. Unfortunately, Solomon’s not willing to give Pixie a choice in the matter. Her mentor, Johnny Tates, taught Pixie a very important Rule #1. Never work with a Corp. But Solomon can literally shut off the flow of air to people and places that do not do as he says. The entire economy revolves around his Corporation. His word is law. It’s going to take a lot of work to win herself free from Solomon’s interest.
THE PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT is a high-technology science fiction story and has a wordcount of 117,714 words. While I am obviously trying to follow in the footsteps of big names like Neal Stephenson (Snow Crash, The Diamond Age) and William Gibson (Neuromancer, Pattern Recognition), this flavor of science fiction has been enjoying some quality books as of late, such as K.C. Alexander’s NecroTech, or Max Barry’s Jennifer Government. Too often, AI stand for Terminator and Matrix-style villainy. I hope to show AI as a tool, or possibly just another sort of person. With such TV shows as Westworld and video games such as Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, or the upcoming Ghost in the Shell film making waves, I believe that THE PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT will stand amongst all these pieces of media, and add something to the conversation.
My name is (redacted). Currently, I work as a bench chemist in the shoreline of Connecticut for a company that produces chemical standards. I’m a graduate of the University of Vermont’s Rubenstein School of Natural Resources, with a B.S. in Fisheries Ecology. I’ve studied what ecologists think will happen in the next hundred years, and think that one path that may be taken could lead us to a world like that in THE PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT. Of course, if that’s the path we’ve taken, we’ve messed up somewhere along the line.
I have included the opening chapter of THE PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT for your consideration. If you’d like to see more, please feel free to let me know via email.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
And this is how PIXIE looks after I went to work:
Title: THE PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT
Genre: Science Fiction
Word Count: 100,000
Frame pilot Pixie has one important skill: she can program AIs better than anyone else in the grimy, Domed-off Megasprawl she calls home. Pixie’s AIs have a sense of humor. Pixie’s AIs can think creatively. Pixie’s AIs feel emotions.
Pixie’s AIs are as good as human.
Pixie and The Knight – her homemade, ten-foot-tall AI robot – have battled their way up the Megaprawl’s unofficial Frame pilot rankings and in doing so have unexpectedly caught the attention of Solomon Benedict, CEO of the biggest and most powerful Corporation on planet.
In a bid to achieve the previously unachieved goal of uploading his mind into a computer permanently, Solomon requires the best AI programmer around, and he’s decided Pixie is it. Pixie knows better than to work with a Corp, but Solomon doesn’t intend to give her a choice in the matter.
Pixie and her Knight are the best Frame-pilot duo under the Dome, but they’ve yet to face a foe as dangerous as Solomon. Unless she finds a way to escape the Corp’s influence in time, everything Pixie values most, including her life and The Knight’s, could be lost.
Like Westworld or Ghost in the Shell, THE PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT explores the role of AI in the not-so-distant future.
I have included the opening chapter of THE PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT for your consideration. If you’d like to see more, please feel free to let me know via email.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
It’s decisively shorter. There’s a lot going on in the original query. I haven’t read the manuscript so I had to do some guessing but my intent was to boil down the story to bare bones. (A)Who is Pixie? (B)What makes her interesting? (C)What are her motivations? (D)Where is the conflict?
(A)Pixie’s a Frame pilot with a homemade fighter robot and a talent for programming AIs.
(B) Pixie and her Frame pilot, The Knight, are winners under the Dome.
D) Pixie attracts the attention of (probable) Corp baddie Solomon. Pixie won’t work with Corp.
C) Survival.
As a publisher (and, honestly, also as a reader) these are the plot points I want to know. The rest, even Osgood and Johnny Tates, both of whom sound like interesting and important side characters, can wait for the synopsis.
I’ve cut out the bio because PIXIE’s query is specific to AI and robot tech. While I’m guessing ecology has a ton to do with the story (my first clue was the Dome!) it has nothing at all to do with the mini-hook-story you’re introducing in the query. But this is a personal preference. If you’re reluctant to cut it completely, I would trim it just a little:
My name is (redacted). Currently, I work as a bench chemist on the shoreline of Connecticut for a company that produces chemical standards. As an ecologist in the field I can clearly imagine how the mistakes we as a people have made could lead to a world where cities are Domed, survival is uncertain, and technologies triumph. PIXIE AND THE KNIGHT is as much a cautionary tale as it is an adventure story.
PIXIE sounds like an engrossing, multifaceted story with the sort of intelligent and bamf protagonist I prefer. Points for fighting robots, the Megasprawl (just the name sounds deliciously gritty) and a female AI tech.
The trick is to showcase the main storyline, and that requires some pruning. All in all I think you’ve very much on the right track.
For the other Friendsgiving Feedback critiques up to this point, see:
Michelle Hauck, author of GRUDGING and FAITHFUL
Laura Heffernan, author of AMERICA’S NEXT REALITY STAR
Liana Brooks, author of HEROES AND VILLAINS series
Emily B. Martin, author of WOODWORKER and ASHES TO FIRE
And don’t forget our #FFCHATs on Friday, December 2 at 4pm and 8pm EST.
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